It's been months since I posted to this blog. There's a reason or two that this is true. Death and dying, accidents and illness seem to have creeped into the story and even though these are "just part of life", they come draped in a different cloak than other experiences in our lives.
Since my last post, my sister was diagnosed with stomach cancer, my good friends' son committed suicide, a friend from twenty years ago died of lung cancer, and my stepdad was in a car crash that nearly killed him. He was left alive but with a broken neck, crushed chest, punctured lung...need I go on? To top that all off, he just took an overdose of his heart medicine and again, nearly died. Does he want to die???
So for a few months now, I've been overwhelmed with this news. For the people experiencing these things, I am sure it's worse. But from the outside looking in, it's also very tough. To say, "this too shall pass," is a comfort indeed but seems so cavalier. In the end, it is the only answer. My Mom and Stepdad are in their 80's and are experiencing the challenges that come with that. My Mom doesn't want to plan dinner anymore, shop for the food, or prepare it. I'm searching for a cook or chef to take some of this load off of her, but it's difficult to do this when they live in an entirely different state. The thought, "Should I relocate and take care of them?", is a constant one.
My old friend from long ago, just 63, dying of lung cancer wasn't so much of a shock as a window on the future. When I visited there last year, Ron was ill, never to return to a vibrant life. And Gary, also an old friend from that time and place, had battled lung cancer and then brain cancer. He was still alive, but again, never to return to that state of vibrancy. For me, still alive and with lots of energy, I look at them and wonder what happened? I am blessed with good health and I'm greatful, but one can't help but see the road signs ahead.
My sister has been going through chemo for the past three months and although there is improvement, it's taking it's toll on her. I say this with surety even though we are not speaking at this time. When I visited last, she ended up in an outrage, prompted by the illness I'm sure, and all the things in life that have made her angry, me included. Her disappointments in life all came crashing down and continued to rain and although I was angry and hurt, I was peaceful while driving away towards home. A proper ending to a messy, never-to-be-resolved relationship. Why would I want to be in someones' life who doesn't want me there? So through the rain falling in the Gila Mountains, I drove home, cleansed in a sense from the ugliness and anger.
My regret...that I cancelled my two weddings.
Fall is here and the weather is changing and hopefully the news will be better, too. We all have our challenges and our triumphs and somewhere-in-betweens. And what goes on in a human life and why cannot ever be answered completely. It's a drama unfolding minute by minute, action by action, choice by choice. My period of silence has been good for me, a time for contemplation of these events and how they all fit into life. More importantly, I've seen more clearly the other people and events in my life that are not affected by this dark cloak. They shine all the brighter and remind me that the duality in life continues, moment by moment.
